my heart hurts so much

heartache

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I don’t really know what to say here.

My grandma flew in from Honduras on Sunday around 1 AM.

Come Monday morning, she wakes up blind. I haven’t seen this woman in 6 years, and I was going to see her tomorrow. She hasn’t seen me since I was 9. Now that is the last version of myself she’ll be able to witness.

My mom is freaking out, zooming in and out of hospitals with Anastasia (my grandma) looking for a solution – I haven’t seen my mom in 24 hours. That sucks. I miss my mom. My dad put a whole bottle of ketchup in our dinner spaghetti, one thing is for sure : We won’t last long without her. I miss my mom’s sweet voice. I called her, I wanted to cry but my dad was present, I don’t cry in front of people…I’m too tough for that sorry. Seeing myself cry makes ME uncomfortable, imagine for other people.

The boy I was morbidly in love with came back to me after months of disconnection, I suppose he missed me, I was beginning to free fall into his heart again, then he posted a picture on his spam acc with a neck hickey. But that doesn’t bother me.   In fact, I couldn’t give less of a shit for it.

Goodbye all –

Angiesunbeams

my college application

me trying to find positivity in a world full of insecurity.

Background : Hello Ivy League schools, my name is Angie. My freshman GPA was a 1.8 at some point, and my rank is 291/out of a little over 300. To be honest, well, to be obvious, I screwed myself over – and I don’t know what to do.

The truth is, Columbia or whoever is reading this – I don’t know what I want to do. I can’t be like my friends who already take looks into NYU and that sucks. It sucks to know that because I spent last year in such an emotionally crumbling relationship that I threw my ivy league chances out the window. It’s funny how the world works. There isn’t much you know about me, but one thing is destined for me : I have a gut feeling that I will be something great into this world. I don’t think I’m a strong candidate, I’m sorry. However, I see myself as something you need – an asset.

I think I’m smart. I always have been a little more than the average intelligence. I took Academically Talented all throughout elementary + aced classes during middle schools. I am quick witted, I think I’m funny, much more prominent in my ability of communications and writing, although writing how I feel like a failure makes me feel sad.

I really don’t know what else to say. I do Field Hockey, drives are my favorite move, it makes me feel powerful. I drove a ball into my wooden backyard fence and now there is a hole into the neighbors house. I play lacrosse, I plan on making varsity probably next year. I do recreational soccer in the Spring, that makes me happy. I love soccer – that sport is the love of my life. An embarrassing confession, I once dreamed someone gave me world cup tickets and I woke up crying of happiness. Perhaps I’d make Varsity Capt. for any of these. Oh! Let’s not forget indoor track. I love running, I am very competitive, I’m trying to lower my mile time to a good 6:00 from a 7:39.

I’m in this club called CYL, it’s an activism non-profit organization in my school. I love it. I get starstruck every time I do something with them. I’m going to go for Executive Member this year, I think I have a good shot. Did I mention I’m in a program at school – called the CGS – it accepts 100 kids across county annually to learn 3 foreign languages, apparently, we’re smarter than the average. I take Japanese, I love it. I made many friends, although that was bound to happen. I like my CGS friends, my McMahon friends as well but let’s be honest…CGS kids are the badass ones. I hope to become an ambassador next year, mentoring the freshmen, it’s sweet.

Next year I plan on taking a few, most likely 4 IB courses.

I am Honduran-American, First generation citizen, first to make a university…that is, if I get in. I don’t make money by the way. My parents combined make around $30,000 yearly so let’s hope you like me enough.

I think I’m a good person, unfortunately that will never be enough would it now?

angie : after dark

i have an idea, we can wing it.

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11:17 PM

I have an idea. Well, had. If you know me personally, you know that well – I am humorous. That is something I take a lot of pride on, my social skills and the way I get along with others.
Although sometimes, I feel like I am just used for that ability. Sometimes I feel like the truth it : I am simply not good enough. I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough. I can’t be anything “enough” to succeed other than my athletics. I don’t want to be known as the girl who can tackle really well on cue but can’t do shit on her report card. Worse, I don’t want to be simply known as a girl who got everything she wanted because she is charismatic.

Being a comedian, intrigues me. I think I’d do better as a screen writer since I love to write although I improvise everything I do (Graphic organizers are my NEMESIS.) We all know, the entertainment business is cruel. Sooner or later I’d have to single handedly expose a sexual predator at an award show, it’s a hassle.

However : here is my concept : I want to make a podcast.

Let me know if this is something you’d like from me! I think it’d be cool. I wanted to create an online diary of sorts, not like a blog – but I want/I want you to see more of myself than “Indoor track is hard. I hate soup. Science sucks. Waaaaa!” because that’s it, there is a lot to me, and the way I get myself into situations, there will be a lot more.

Yes, you guessed it. The podcast name would be Angie : After Dark.

Yes, I’ve had this idea since last year, and people have already said they’d listen the shit out of my podcast.

Have a nice holiday,

angiesunbeams.

my clit vs my dumbass

sometimes i forget my old english teacher is one of my readers

I said I was going to post more often, which was BULL.

Thanksgiving week is here which means I have more time to write, Stay tuned for :

  • My piece on my dysfunctional family Thanksgiving
  • My grandma coming – probably a poem BECAUSE I’M CORNY.
  • MY LOVE FOR BLACK FRIDAY. I DON’T GO FOR DEALS – I GO FOR PUSHING AND SHOVING FOR FREE. I LOVE WEARING POUNDS OF SHIN GUARDS AND PADDING 😀
  • my thoughts and stuff on things that cross my mind

long thyme know c

Hey folk, it’s me again. I’ve decided to write again because I think I’m brilliant and interesting, something positive about myself that I don’t always show. While running this blog I felt a total “Fuck ye!! That’s me!” but now I started selling myself shorter than I should.  I think she’s making a comeback. Until soon, whenever that may be – Fuck ye.

I have ramen from yesteryear in my room

I’m realizing that this is my life, these things that I do and things that happen will continue to happen until my demise. Geez.

I haven’t posted in a really long time, not because you’re ugly. I actually have over 30 drafts of witty things, several titled with the time I was writing but I just wasn’t feeling it. As though I wasn’t proud of it, I’m proud of the content I write. You guys are literally feeding into my narcissism just my telling me that I’m funny (That will relate later).

Here are things that have happened since my dad ran over my toe.

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  1. I found out that Dirty Dancing (My favorite movie) has come out with a 30th anniversary pack filled with useless trinkets that I, of course, believe are essential to have. It’s about 60 bucks which sucks (Ah, I’m rhyming. I feel like the version of Edgar Allen Poe that smiles.) Also, ABC is having a remake of the film on the 24th and the open minded part of me is like “Watch it!” and the other part of me is like “NO! In fact, cancel cable. Remakes are awful. This is disrespect.” Granted I’m stubborn so you’ll catch me protesting the remake be shut down.

2. I got a checkered pair of vans, people have since discovered that my feet stretch longer than the Himalayan Mountains. If you don’t know what the Himalayans are, I suggest going outside some more.

3. Mottai-Nai. JEsUS. I mention all the time how I blow up ramen for sport I don’t know how I was gonna make something good. Also, most of my clothes and items are more thrifted, reused so how do I keep the cycle going???

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4. I went into hell, stepped out, went back in, left, and intend on never coming back. MY SCHOOL IS THE EQUIVALENT OF THE INFERNO. Stairway to heaven, more like graceful descend to pits of hell. At the same time, it’s not that bad. In 99 degree weather you will still find me sleeping with a heavy cover and a long sleeve, no sweating or anything. My body just adapts well. As of now, I can’t tell if it’s literal heat waves from the guy himself, the sun, or the kid that sits next to me in choir, who never shuts up.

5.  I watched a kids tv program. It is known for comedy but I couldn’t even crack a generous smile. It was so painful to listen to the jokes. In the episode, one of the main characters gets a gig in a comedy club in hopes of a comedy career so there is a scene of him “being a comedian” (?) and I was just ???  Then I realized these jokes aren’t real, hopefully they’re all scripted, and this kid can genuinely do better than this. I feel bad mentioning this but Diary of a wimpy kid books are actually pretty funny ahahahah.

6. I absolutely idolize this man, Steve Lacy. I can go on and on about how kickass he is as a musician and as a person. So much so the thought of him makes me cry. Oh here come the waterworks. He was in New York yesterday at an Apple store with fans and people interested in how he makes his music through Garageband which is phenomenal.  Sadly, I couldn’t be there, I was drinking out of a fishbowl.

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7. I went to 7 Eleven’s Bring your own cup day with a fish bowl. Was I called a genius? Yes. Do I think I’m a genius? Judging on how I misspelled genius both times writing it, I’ll get there.

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Bonus tales for the lifeless :

  1. I got a 99 on a math quiz I took on Friday, with doing little math at all. I do quizzes backwards and realized a pattern on the last page which included all the answers needed for the rest of it. Now that I think about it, I am a genius. Then again, the teacher was probably lazy. When I told people about it, their faces made O’s.

 

2. Speaking of O’s, I asked someone to RKO my mom. We got into a huge fight Friday morning over my sister (A whole other blog post, more like a rant). See, she’s a trombone player. So they were taking an end of year trip to Six Flags. My mom suggested for her to come with us to drop me off and go straight to her school .But, my mom waits for no one. Anie was literally out the door and my mom goes “Too slow!” followed by the SKKKRRRTTT of the gas. I hate when my mom does that, it happened last week I was out the door to go to the gym and she LEFT. I spent the next hour crying and deciding whether I should run away or not. Anyways, she decided to stop by McDonalds for food.

She bought me food but I couldn’t even look at her. I was literally texting my sister to start running to school because there was no way she was gonna make it on my mom’s clock. Right after eating she gets a text from her friend to pick her up at the train station. You see where this is going. We fought. We fought. I argued. She even went “Angie, enough.” Which is rare, also a boundary line. ahagahah but I let out one : “What are you gonna do? Push me out the car?!?!?” before realizing I’m 3,000 miles past the no cross line with my mother. We even fought during school hours where my mom answers in vague Yes or No without giving direction to a certain answer. So she made it seem like Stephanie never made it (She did), which made me infuriated, telling her she made me angry, which followed with a “K. :)” WHY THE SMILEY DAMNIT PATRICIA. Followed that by “You must respect your mother that’s the first commandment in the bible.”

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Fellas, there’s so much more but I’ll save that for another day. I’ve come to realize that these misadventures occur because I let them happen, am I gonna ever stop that? Nope. Wouldn’t trade it for the world. A little part of me wonders how I’m gonna get through a lifetime of these. Until next time,

L8r dudes 🙂

it’ll take a second to read

unless you’re fake and only doing it for the blog pyramid

yall are so cool and nice it MUST BE NICE. The other day my dad said it was cold outside and I replied with a “No duh Sherlock” and I spent the next 40 minute car ride reflecting on who taught me to be this passive aggressive

ANYWAYS! bYE! KEEP BEING NICE, ITS NICE. (This is referring to your comments, positive and bluntly sarcastic, very entertaining)

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